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Tuesday, 11 October 2016

A year on.

I know this blog is all new and I haven't had chance to post all the musings I have had throughout this year but instead of dragging up the past I thought I shall just say how I am feeling right at this period.

Teddy turned one last week, an exciting time for any family with a baby, but mammoth for us. When Teddy was born, we were told firstly "He won't make it through today!" then we were told we had days, and swiftly, days turned into weeks. One thing we were never given was years. We were told years was out of the question, so we quickly turned to the medical staff and said "If we have limited time, we don't want that to be spent in hospital, we want our son to see as much of the world as he can in his short little life!" 

A year on and we have been busy busy busy. We have tried to pack so much into the year that I feel sometimes we have barely had chance to breathe. Its become a bit of an issue for me and my husband now- I NEED to keep busy, if we have nothing to do, I make us have something to do. I have an innate fear that if we are not busy we are wasting time and if we stop, Teddy might stop. My husband however, would like us to just relax and try and enjoy and embrace what we have, a lovely sentiment but I just can't. I procrastinate, I don't do things I need to, so this need to be busy doesn't help me achieve anything, its not productive.

But it helps, being busy means I don't think, I don't have to address anything. I can just fumble through life, a job at a time and not have any down moments to dwell. Apart from this last week or two. We went big, we planned a christening/ birthday to mark the momentous occasion with all our friends and family. We carefully designed and crafted everything and threw our boy a wonderful woodland bash (I will talk more about this in another post!) 

Once that was all over I really had nothing to do.  We had friends round and had a lovely night on his birthday but then there was nothing. I felt like it all just hit me! I am in a group with other mums in the same situation as us and they had all talked about birthdays being horrendous but I couldn't see that. I feel so privileged to be having a birthday that I couldn't image ever feeling sad. But they were not wrong. All the emotions from that time just flood back,I was back in NICU with my face pressed against the cold plastic of the incubator, crying and pleading with him to just wake up and be OK. My timehop has been a constant reminder of how long the days were and those gut wrenching moments when all I wanted was to hold my baby and I was told I couldn't as he had to stay on the cooling mat. They told me "When we know we are not winning we will take him off and you can hold him!"So I had to learn to cope with the fact that the first time I was going to hold my baby was to let him die in my arms. 

I am reliving a day at a time, I keep thinking, this happened then etc... So right now I'm still not in a positive place. I am having lots of cuddles and holding him tighter because I can and couldn't then. I don't want this to seem like I don't feel happy about my son, I am so in love with him and I am so grateful for the time we have had. I just hated those first few months. Its those that make me sad. 

We do have lots of exciting things happening which I am definitely going to share with you, so hopefully posts can be more positive. I just needed to vent. 
Thank you for putting up with me. 
We keep trooping
x

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