5 Foods to make you...

Invincible ! 

As you know from my previous post I have been wowed by the power of food, so I have decided to start a little series looking at the impact of certain foods on the body and specifically my little man's body.

Aside from being grumpy, we always have an additional issue and that is Teddy's immune system. Often, during the autumn and winter months, we are housebound to avoid all the dreaded bugs and viruses. So I thought; how amazing would it be to find natural ways to boost little man's immune system?

As my confidence with making purees has grown, I have begun adding extra little bits in to, in essence, 'medicate' Teddy but with food. I have always loved food, but I am learning so much recently and its effecting my diet too. We have started all eating the same things which on it's own is so exciting. It's lovely to share a meal as a whole family.

So just in a few weeks I can see a huge difference in Teddy's immune system, usually we have some sort of cough or old cold every other week. But so far so good, hes a strong little man and seems to be thriving- We will probably all catch the plague next week now. Ha.

So what wonder foods would I put on my list for foods to make you invincible?

1. Berries - Berries are ram packed with antioxidants so they really help boost the immune system. The body deploys these as a first line of defence so amping up the amount in the body can only help. Teddy has been having these in with his porridge in the morning, giving him a nice boost to start the day.  

2. Sweet Potatoes - When I was reading up, sweet potatoes kept popping up. They provide the body with antioxidants again and lots of vitamins especially vitamin A which is really good for strengthening our skin. Skin is our body's barrier against the world so boosting this has no end of benefits. But also it has something in which I had never heard of- carotenoids - they help the body fight flu and colds which is definitely something Teddy needs. They are so easy to cook so I have been adding these to pretty much every puree I've made. 

3. Meat - I was very reluctant to add meat into Teddy's diet at first, I felt this brought a whole host of new issues such as salmonella. However; once I thought about the benefits, I decided to risk it. Obviously meat contains protein  which is great for repair so if Teddy does catch anything he will have the strength to fight. Furthermore, the energy it provides helps the body to keep warding off bugs and viruses. I am adding little bits of meat to the purees, so far I've just added turkey and chicken. I will be blending up elements of our Sunday dinner for him today.

4. Garlic - When I started my googling, garlic repeatedly appeared on lists of foods to boost your immune system. Garlic stimulates the activity of immune system cells that destroy cold and flu viruses which is our main issue, so it is perfect for little man. We have been popping a bit of fresh garlic in at least one meal a day to make sure Teddy is having that constant supply. 

5. Turmeric - Now this is suppose to be like a wonder food, the cure to many an ailment, especially TB. Now I'm not too worried about Teddy contracting TB, but turmeric boosts the immune system in general so I am popping it on my list too. It is  anti-viral, anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory which is great for someone like Teddy who has a condition which means his health can deteriorate rapidly. Along with garlic, I have been mixing a teaspoon of this in with one of his purees once a day. I have just read that if you mix it with black pepper it can increase your body's absorption so I will be giving that a go too.  

So there you go, they have worked for us and hopefully any body who is weaning can get some inspo from that, there are some fantastic pouches and jars out there, but its also nice sometimes to make your own, what foods would you recommend for helping boost your immune system?

Keep trooping!

Ps. I have not been asked to write this post, I purchased all the products myself and the opinions are completely my own. :)

Diary #4 It finally arrived!

Well if you have kept up with our previous diary posts, you will know that I was feeling pretty angry and upset recently. After waiting what feels like months, it finally arrived!

A couple of mornings ago, I was stirring in bed but due to a few shitty nights I really didn't feel like waking up. My phone rang and I was furious that someone was calling at that ungodly hour (It was 9am but felt like 5am to me). "Hello its Dave, I need to come and drop off a frame!" Since it had been so long since it was meant to arrive, I didn't have a bloody clue what he was on about, he had to explain where he was from and that he was coming to drop off the standing frame - FINALLY! I jumped up, and ran to tell Teddy, he opened one eye and then snorted and rolled away a bit as if to say "I'd rather you just calmed down and changed my bum, I'm sat in poo here!" (also exciting news if you follow us).

His carer arrived about 15 minutes later and let the man in, it was only like 20 minutes from the call to his arrival, if only the rest of the process would have been so prompt. I had a shower because it was one of my working days so had to make sure I was ready when all I wanted to do was to play with Teddy. I came down after my shower and Alex, that's Teddy's carer, I'd rather use her name because she's pretty much family now, was getting very frustrated because she had completely forgotten how to use the frame. She's not an idiot, its just been so fricking long that we can't remember all the information they gave us. I messed around for a bit and then figured out there was a lock on the base so no bloody wonder she couldn't use it. We crammed him in and then slowly lifted him up to standing.

He kicked off for a moment, as you can tell by the red face. But within a few minutes, he was back to being the happy, free baby he was in the clinic a few weeks ago. We wheeled him around and then took him to his favourite spot; just in front of the TV. His eyes shot across and he realised he could have a fantastic view of cbeebies now. Obviously we didn't leave him there for long but we let him have his moment.

When I  got back from work my little man was napping on the sofa. I waited ever so patiently next to him and as soon as his eyes opened, I grabbed the frame and shoved him in. He seemed so happy again, it is definitely his favourite place to be. My mum nipped over for a brew and balled her eyes out when she saw him, she said it was just such a shock but a wonderful one. Teddy's godparents bought him a switch adapted Peter Rabbit which he loves but we usually turn it on for him. I grabbed a switch and attached them together and placed it on the standing frame lap tray. As soon as the switch was down, Teddy began moving his arms, I placed the switch under his hand and he pressed it! Again, me and my mum were blubbering - he was playing!!! Its huge for us, he doesn't play, he can't usually use his hands. But with this frame and table he had the freedom to do so.

I think we need to get some more switch adapted toys now because I don't know how many more times I can hear "Hello, my name is Peter Rabbit, do you want to play peekaboo?" Turns out Teddy does want to play it, and a lot!! He is like a dog with a bone; he needs to be reminded how to use the switch sometimes but then once he gets it, he won't stop tapping it.

Its so nice to have a really positive diary post to write. We have had lots of amazing times with the frame already and we have only had it 3 days, I look forward to the future; moving to a bigger house and being able to explore with Teddy in the frame.

How has this week treated you?

Keep trooping
Dear Bear and Beany

5 Foods to make you...


If you have read my previous posts you know I am a woman on a mission, a very serious mission to fix my little man. Not completely fix him obviously, i'm not expecting any miracles, but I have been wowed by the power of food so who knows what we can change. So I have decided to start a little series looking at the impact of certain foods on the body and specifically my little man's body.

My son has been a very grumpy little man recently, he has been feeling lethargic, grumpy and at times he has been inconsolable, so we began investigating. His main angry times are around food and poop so I decided the best way to solve it would be to change his food and hopefully in turn; make him poop.

I went in easy, I started with single fruits and vegetables; boiled, steamed or slightly warmed and then blitzed so that they could be fed down his tube. The difference has been unimaginable, yes he still struggles to go, but for much shorter periods and the rest of the day is amazing. He is awake, alert, happy and engaged. Therapists have commented on the difference to his mood and overall attitude. By not being consumed with the griping pains he was feeling before, he has come on a lot during his sessions.

So what wonder foods would I put on my list for foods to make you poop?

1. Prunes - Ella's Kitchen have an amazing product which is just pure prunes, I have mixed this with a bit of baby rice in the morning and even just given him a full 10 ml syringe full as a snack throughout the day and this is fantastic at keeping things ticking over. I have been using the pouch for this because I just don't think I would be able to get an actual prune smooth enough and small enough, so the pouch is fantastic.

2. Bananas - I haven't been using a specific product for this, there are many pouches out there that include banana, but I have been just whizzing it up in the food processor. I give this as a snack and just keeps him happy and settled till his next feed. I gives him energy and also the fibre is definitely helping the old D-system.

3. Avocados - I had no idea that avocado made you poop, but when we were investigating foods to give Teddy the best start it was in there. It apparently has magnesium in it which aids digestion, it relaxes the intestinal muscles and attracts more water to soften it all. We have only just began adding this as he is struggling with the change in stool so hopefully the benefits of this will kick in soon! Again this is super smooth so a nice ripe one blends amazingly and just slips straight down the tube.

4. Broccoli - OK, so I haven't been giving Teddy just pure broccoli, I know he can't taste it going through his gastrostomy, but I like to think I give him the best and what I would give any of my children so I want things to taste great. For his tea, we have become a bit of a fan of another pouch broccoli, pears and peas. I have tasted it myself and although I originally felt it was an odd combination, I really liked it! Broccoli is a super-food because of all the vitamins it has crammed inside but also its a really good source of fibre which is exactly what we are after. I will definitely keep picking up this pouch for him, and I will be adding it to some meals I'm going to make and blend myself.

5. Water - Although its not a 'food' it works wonders for making you poop! We use sterile water, so I just boil the kettle and then wait for the water to cool and then we mix it with food, milk and sometimes he just has water straight in his tummy. I think this is something we need to increase, I have become so excited with picking foods that I have forgotten the power of water. So, note to self, I shall start with some extra bolus water feeds tomorrow.

So there you go, they have worked for us and hopefully any body who is weaning can get some inspo from that, there are some fantastic pouches and jars out there, but its also nice sometimes to make your own, what foods would you recommend for helping your little ones poop?

Keep trooping!

Ps. I have not been asked to write this post, I purchased all the products myself and the opinions are completely my own. hope you enjoyed this kind of post from me. :)

Weekend Tot Style #1

Well as childish and naive as it may seem, when I found out I was pregnant, one of the things I was super excited about was being able to dress my little baby. I just love baby clothes, I don't know why but outfits just look 1000 times more amazing when they are tiny! So once I knew I was having a boy my shopping addiction was fuelled even more and before long my son had developed a wardrobe far more impressive than both mine and my husbands put together.

So now I that I have started this blog, it seems like this can be another way of enjoying my recent purchases, not just by loving looking at Teddy in them, but by documenting and sharing them.

This weekend we had some friends round to start the festive season and I thought it was about time we starting wrapping Teddy up warm:

I posted this picture on both Teddy's and my own instgram pages and lots of people were asking where the elements were from so here are the deets:

The jumper is from Marks and Spencer and was gift from one of my close friends who totally gets the way I like to dress Teddy. 
The hat is from next, I cannot find it on the website now but I only bought it a few weeks ago. I know I really wanted a bobble hat for him this season, I think I am going to have a peruse on instagram for a few different colours (Leave me any recommendations in the comments)
And finally his little joggers are from the nutmeg range at Morrisons. Honestly the nutmeg range is amazing for gorgeous affordable baby/children's clothes.

Well I hope you have enjoyed our first weekend tot style, what a lovely idea This Mama Life and The Diary of an Ordinary Mum have come up with, I shall definitely be making this a regular thing. 

The Diary of an Ordinary Mum

Diary #3 His first Bonfire Night

I know these are pumpkins but we made friendly pumpkins for the occasion instead of scary Halloween ones

I know what you are thinking; "She said his Birthday was in October?!" Yes it was, so he was around last bonfire night but it just came and passed. This time last year we were in a very dark place, we were facing a very bleak outlook and my way of coping was cooping both me and Teddy up inside and hiding from the outside world. I was living in constant fear that if we went outside Teddy would catch something and that would be it, so we stayed in. We allowed visitors in the house but they had to be vetted; anyone who had been within a mile radius of germs could not enter (my mother in law even suggested Michael Jackson-esque masks at one point).

I wouldn't say we are safe and completely free of that period, but we are much more relaxed now. Teddy's condition is life limiting and we want to make the most of it, keeping him in, hiding from the world is not doing that. So this year we are embracing all the celebrations we can!

So last weekend it was Bonfire Night, we decided to gather our family round and make me most of the date falling on a weekend. We have recently sold our house and hope to move very soon so thought it would be lovely to have a family party and make some lasting memories in our first home (I am planning a mini series around our big move soon, so keep your eyes peeled). My sister came along with her husband and my niece and nephew, my mum joined us to help with everything and even my uncle popped by, to quote; "Just for the black peas!"

I really wanted to make it a special occasion and with Teddy now enjoying the delights of real food, I wanted to make a lovely feast so that we all could enjoy food together. After struggling to establish what food people have for Bonfires, I came to the conclusion of jacket potatoes, my mum said it used to be tradition to cook them in the fire and then once its all burned out you all get hot potatoes. I wanted to do something a bit special so decided to make a toppings station, I cooked Chilli Con Carne and Pulled chicken so people would have a choice of main topping and then put out lots of little extras out like coleslaw, sour cream, cheese, jalapenos etc. The kids loved having the options and then most of the adults challenged themselves to go big and have EVERYTHING (I definitely led this revolution!) Once we had all eaten I let my niece and nephew pick what Teddy was having. They loved this and it was a fantastic way of getting them to interact with Teddy. They are both active, fun loving kids and it's hard sometimes because Teddy doesn't move so they easily get distracted and move away from him. They chose strawberries and apples - more of a dessert than a main but hey it was a party and we were feeling free and breezy.

Once we had all finished munching away, we gathered around in our garden and my husband started setting off the fireworks. My niece was petrified of the bangs which made my nephew decide he suddenly had a phobia, so we ended up all gathered in the porch instead. Teddy loves being naked and we have come to a compromise where he now doesn't wear pants, so I had him all wrapped up in a blanket. Vest, thick socks, wooly hat and a thick blanket- hes such a little trend setter. It was lovely just being together, even though my sister and I kept snapping at the kids for moaning about the noise, it was nice for them to be in the porch with us, so Teddy felt like he was part of it. I didn't have to think 'Oh I best keep him in and warm so he doesn't catch anything,' I could make believe we were in because he too was afraid of the bangs and wanted the safety of his mum and auntie around him.

After the all the outdoor fun, we all cosied up around our log burner for an indoor fire and enjoyed the delights of Strictly and X factor. 

I am already making plans for next years Bonfire Night, being in a bigger house will make entertaining even easier. Hopefully we will have an even stronger Teddyman enjoying it too. What did you guys do for the event? Any ideas of what to make/do next year?

Roll on 2017, 
For now, We keep trooping. 

Diary #2 All talk, no action

Well as the title states, I'm feeling a bit frustrated with people being all talk, no action. As I stated in my last diary post; our physiotherapist is on it. However the people around her aren't so on it.
Many of her referrals recently have left us feeling mixed emotions.

Early in the week we had a very exciting appointment to go and try out a standing frame. Teddy doesn't attempt to hold himself in any way, he doesn't have any head control and has little to no core body strength, so standing is never going to be possible without an aid. So Tuesday was coming, I had been counting down the days with feverish excitement and then... Teddy was ill. Story of our bloody lives. Just as I feel we are getting somewhere either the flu or a chest infection hits and everything has to be put on the back burner. But not this time Teddy, Mummy was determined.  I kept pushing him to get better, regular nebs, regular chest physio, increased oxygen and just pure will!

 On the day, his carer arrived and she was just as excited as I was about the possibilities the day brought and together we decided that although Teddy wasn't 100% we didn't want to miss this appointment and have to wait god knows how long for the next one. So we scooped him up, shoved him in the car and set off. All the way we were both so nervous, concerned about how ill and grumpy he was and the fact that in this kind of mood we usually get nothing out of him. When we arrived, we were late but it worked out well, we were rushed straight through into the room where the frame was all set up. Teddy protested, as we had anticipated, and it took both the physio and the standing frame lady, a rather long time to get both Teddy and the frame right.

Shock horror, he bloody LOVED it. Every one was so shocked at how happy he was in his frame. His position was fantastic, he looked amazing and I was just so proud. As soon as he was up, he began independently moving his head, something we had been told the frame would help with but not this fast. I was so emotional, as the physio pushed him towards me I was just so overcome. This was his first steps to me, the first tine he had been able to travel towards me without me having to go to him. OK, I know he wasn't actually walking and I know someone was pushing him but they were doing what he wanted them to, I could see it in his eyes, he wanted to travel towards me and he could.

After all this excitement, the woman who organised the frame was extremely happy with how he had coped and vehemently said we could have it! Aaahh how exciting, the amount of progress he had made in minutes, imagine what he could do if he got to go in this every day? Ahh I can show Mike, he can have the moment I just had with our son. All she had to do was let their driver know, he would ring us and then drop it off. It wouldn't be today but definitely the next few days.

So here we are, nearly two weeks later, still no frame. "Why not ring the people?" I hear you ask, well I have done, I rang the physio, she rang the woman- nothing! They can't get hold of her for some reason. When they can, they will ring me. Still no phone call. I know we have been so lucky getting the opportunity, but don't dangle the carrot. We are either doing it, or we are not. How is it fair to hinder his progress by pissing about?

Hopefully, this time next week I will have much better news! And also the potential for another piece of equipment.

But for now, we keep trooping

It's all poo!

As a mother of a baby with special needs there are some things I have come to terms with never happening. There are many firsts that I know we will not get to experience with Teddy, and that is completely fine. As long as my son is happy, as healthy as he can be, and knows he is loved, then I am one happy mummy.

I believe Teddy experiences happiness, he cannot show us this in the usual manner, he has never smiled but we definitely get the odd smeyes (smiley eyes for those unaware). He has so many non-verbal cues that have taken a long time to hone and fully understand but we do now, his communication is excellent if you truly know him. So recently he has been giving us less of the happy cues and more of the grumpy ones. Its becoming a bit of a running joke now with everyone involved in Teddy's care. Most therapies start with us all gleefully singing; "Hello Teddy how are you? How are you today?" To which the reply is always GRUMPY!
It sounds ridiculous to say it, but its so draining him being so devastatingly grumpy all the time. I find it draining because it is just so unfair, my gorgeous little pudding has so much going on in his life. He is one and has already gone through more medical things than most people do in an entire lifetime. So I need to fix what I can and attempt to make his life as happy as I can.

After a bit of deliberation, we have all decided that his grumpiness is solely down to poo. Every time he needs a poo we all feel his wrath. He is in so much pain that he just cries for hours until he finally manages to get some release. Once we realised his issues were all poo related, it gave me a glimmer of hope that his issues are fixable. I contacted the dietitian straight away and was told she would get back to me asap. She did not! I love all people involved in Teddy's care and I must say we are extremely blessed to be in our catchment area because all the professionals are amazing... except the dietitian. On three separate occasions I have attempted to thrust Teddy's nappy in her face and she has had none of it, she just shunned the nappy and gave me the same crap reply "It's fine, we won't change his feed because he is tolerating it." Ermm... NO HE BLOODY ISN'T! The poor boy is screaming in pain, cramping, thrutching and then when he finally manages to make it's not pretty! In the end I was so exasperated with the woman, I showed his consultant instead. He snatched the nappy off me and in the most professional way he could, he hit the roof. He made sure he wasn't negative towards anyone in particular (however we all knew the dietitian had messed up!) But he couldn't believe Teddy had been left this long with a cows milk allergy! Poor little man! So instantly he switched his milk and honestly, within days it was like we had a new baby. He was relaxed, happy and pooing.

This lasted for about a month. Now we are back to a grumpy little man, and battling with the dietitian. She refuses to admit there is anything wrong, she never actually looks at him and then gives all her ridiculous assumptions. She wants to go back on the old milk because she doesn't believe there was a problem before. How would she know? She's never looked at any of the evidence I tried to give her.  Yes the benefit of the new milk hasn't lasted but he is a damn sight better than he was. She is coming around tomorrow so I thought it was best I vented here before I give it to her full barrels in the morning.

So I guess the point of this whole waffley post is to tell you all, I will fix this.

I have decided that milk just isn't working, no one is meant to live on just milk and I think this is what the problem is. My son's body is not getting what it needs, he needs more fibre, more nutrients and all the good stuff we get from food. So, what i'm telling you is, I'm going to feed him. Not in the way I would expect to be feeding my son, but feeding him none the less. I'm going to cook, blitz and then tube feed my baby boy. I'm going to do one of the things I thought I would never get to do as his mum.

We are going to wean!

So watch this space, it could all go horrendously wrong but we will give it a good bash.
Wish us luck.
For now, we keep trooping.


Diary #1 He got some new wheels

I have had this idea that I would like to share with you. My little man has a pretty hectic life, his diary is jam packed (I say his, its clearly my little Cath Kidston number!) So how wonderful would it be to let you know all he has been up to. In turn this will make me write it down and actually see where we are up to.

Well this week was a biggy, as you can tell by the title, my little man got some new wheels. Teddy the trooper is now fully mobile. Our physio is on it, she's really good. Sometimes I feel she might be a little too organised but I guess that can only benefit Teddy. There have been times when she has been super excited about referrals for every service she can think of which can be truly overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to stop and smell the roses! I want to feel normal for a day or so and wheelchairs, botox and splints are not normal for a 1 year old. But on the other hand, there are people in different catchment areas fighting tooth and nail to get the basics so I should stop being a mardy cow!

When we arrived for the posture assessment, the physio came with and helped make sure Teddy got the best. The posture and mobility lady was amazing and knew straight away what Teddy needed, just from looking at him. No time was wasted trying out seats, she knew instantly that the 'Snappi' would provide the support he needs. And oh how right she was!

One problem.... well there's a few but I will start with the biggy... It doesn't fit in our car. We have a lovely red Polo which I adore. I like that I still feel me but in a car that accommodates family life- well it did! After trying it several different ways we found the wheels would just about fit in the boot and then the seat would have to go on the passenger seat, making it extremely difficult to have anyone other than me and Teddy in the car at one time. But needs must, he needs a seat so I will just have to get over it. However, due to some numpty, the Saturday before we were supposed to pick up the chair, my lovely little Polo received a bit of a make over. Front and back. So now Penny Pounder (that's our name for the Polo) is in the garage getting tarted up, and I am whizzing around in a Corsa. A car I never would have considered but... the Snappi fits! Like a bloody glove!

Anyway, enough about cars, back on to the chair. Well its super supportive, I picked the colours myself so it looks fab and complements Teddy's outfits to a T (Priorities right?) It's so easy to take apart and fold, it's light and whizzy- pretty sure that's a real adjective. I really can't get over how old he looks in it, he looks his age. For so long he has just looked like a giant baby in his pram because he slouches. So many people, especially old people for some reason, would pop their head under his hood and say "Awww look at the baby sleeping!!" errrr NO hes wide awake and not a baby! Now people talk to him, instead of me and I love it. He is so much happier finally being able to see the world, he is loving having a good toot about.

Now for the negatives, I doesn't have a hood or rain cover and as it is a special needs piece of equipment, they are extortionate. It really grinds my gears that special needs things are expensive, as if its not bloody hard enough! They know if you need it you will pay. Well I refuse, hopefully we will get them funded but I think its rubbish that they don't come as standard. Secondly, the suspension is non existent. We had a Joolz eco day (beautiful pram- not a bad word to say about it!), so to go from that to this is a dramatic change. Teddy is feeling every single bump in the road and its causing all kinds of secretion issues. I will bring this up with them to check its not a problem with how its made. But right now it's p****ng me off.

So at this moment in time we are having a bit of a love hate relationship with the ol' Snappi, watch this space. We are only a week in and I'm a fickle little thing so I will probably feel completely different once we have used it some more.

Next week hopefully brings another new piece of equipment to our lives
For now,
We keep trooping

A year on.

I know this blog is all new and I haven't had chance to post all the musings I have had throughout this year but instead of dragging up the past I thought I shall just say how I am feeling right at this period.

Teddy turned one last week, an exciting time for any family with a baby, but mammoth for us. When Teddy was born, we were told firstly "He won't make it through today!" then we were told we had days, and swiftly, days turned into weeks. One thing we were never given was years. We were told years was out of the question, so we quickly turned to the medical staff and said "If we have limited time, we don't want that to be spent in hospital, we want our son to see as much of the world as he can in his short little life!" 

A year on and we have been busy busy busy. We have tried to pack so much into the year that I feel sometimes we have barely had chance to breathe. Its become a bit of an issue for me and my husband now- I NEED to keep busy, if we have nothing to do, I make us have something to do. I have an innate fear that if we are not busy we are wasting time and if we stop, Teddy might stop. My husband however, would like us to just relax and try and enjoy and embrace what we have, a lovely sentiment but I just can't. I procrastinate, I don't do things I need to, so this need to be busy doesn't help me achieve anything, its not productive.

But it helps, being busy means I don't think, I don't have to address anything. I can just fumble through life, a job at a time and not have any down moments to dwell. Apart from this last week or two. We went big, we planned a christening/ birthday to mark the momentous occasion with all our friends and family. We carefully designed and crafted everything and threw our boy a wonderful woodland bash (I will talk more about this in another post!) 

Once that was all over I really had nothing to do.  We had friends round and had a lovely night on his birthday but then there was nothing. I felt like it all just hit me! I am in a group with other mums in the same situation as us and they had all talked about birthdays being horrendous but I couldn't see that. I feel so privileged to be having a birthday that I couldn't image ever feeling sad. But they were not wrong. All the emotions from that time just flood back,I was back in NICU with my face pressed against the cold plastic of the incubator, crying and pleading with him to just wake up and be OK. My timehop has been a constant reminder of how long the days were and those gut wrenching moments when all I wanted was to hold my baby and I was told I couldn't as he had to stay on the cooling mat. They told me "When we know we are not winning we will take him off and you can hold him!"So I had to learn to cope with the fact that the first time I was going to hold my baby was to let him die in my arms. 

I am reliving a day at a time, I keep thinking, this happened then etc... So right now I'm still not in a positive place. I am having lots of cuddles and holding him tighter because I can and couldn't then. I don't want this to seem like I don't feel happy about my son, I am so in love with him and I am so grateful for the time we have had. I just hated those first few months. Its those that make me sad. 

We do have lots of exciting things happening which I am definitely going to share with you, so hopefully posts can be more positive. I just needed to vent. 
Thank you for putting up with me. 
We keep trooping

How did we get here?

Well I thought it would be good to get the introductions out of the way. I sometimes find that when I read some bloggers posts I have lots of questions about their past, what has happened, why is that, that way? etc. So I imagine if people come to my blog the main questions will be around my son, so I shall tell you all about him.

My beautiful baby boy was born October 1st 2015 after a very normal healthy pregnancy. Many non-medical professional onlookers boldy stated their opinions on my bump; "Oh that's a big baby!!", "Your so tiny, will you be ok?". However, I felt I was mother earth and the whole thing was going to beautiful! I had the most wonderful, natural birth planned, but the closer it got to my induction date, the more I felt the dream slipping away. I was very aware that if I had to be induced, the whole birth would become a much more clinical experience.

This is me the morning I went in for my induction, see looking at this now I can see my bump was huge and REALLY high. He definitely wasn't planning on coming out. 

Any who, the day came, I went in for my induction. It didn't progress well; I was having contractions for over 24 hours before my waters broke, and then it was nearly another 24 hours after that when he finally made his dramatic entrance into the world.

During the final stages my son's shoulder became stuck behind my pelvis, he couldn't get out. His cord was around his neck which, after a prolonged struggle, strangled him. Once the crash team managed to get him out he was floppy, it took them 20 minutes to resuscitate him and then he had to be transferred to the NICU, where they assessed and managed the damage the lack of oxygen had caused his brain.

They were amazing and worked their magic, however they were always really down to earth and made sure we fully understood the extent of our son's brain injury.
He is very severely effected and there are many milestones he will never hit, but me and my husband have chosen positivity for him. We embrace all the wonderful things he is doing, and try to celebrate the 'inchstones' as we call them. His full diagnosis is HIE (Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy) Grade 3, which basically means a prolonged lack of oxygen resulting in a brain injury and it is split into grades 1-3. So based on the scale, you can see he is on the severe end.

Now that I have shared this you have a basic explanation  of his injury, but in the future I am sure I will go into separate parts of it when it is necessary. For now I will leave you with pictures of my beautiful boy now!

Theodore James Reginald (Teddy to you.)

So if you got through that, thank you. I promise to not be as serious moving forward but I felt I needed to explain the basics of Teddy's condition so that I don't leave you wondering what's going on if I randomly pop him in a post. 

Let me know if you have any more questions, I'm always happy to explain whatever I can. 

For now, keep trooping. 

Come in, we're open!

Bonjour, I have been toying with the idea of writing a blog for quite a while now. I love reading blogs and getting ideas and inspiration from them and I also feel it will be extremely therapeutic for me to get all my thoughts and feelings down in ink.

Another reason I have never written one before is that I was unsure of what to write about. With my life changing so much recently I feel I now have things I want to document. In October I gave birth to my beautiful baby bear and as you will find out, things did not go as smoothly as planned so I have tons to tell you about. Also I like the idea of blogging about regular stuff just to give myself the normality- like I said therapeutic stuff! I also have Betsy to talk about, that is my amazing little pooch, she is like my first born so I couldn't leave her out, she has struggled with the transition from only child to older sibling (insert an I know you think I'm crazy eye roll here), so I have bits of advice with how to help that too.

I hope you enjoy reading and following me and my little family as we attempt to navigate this crazy life by trying to pretend it's just normal.
Wish us luck!