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Sunday, 4 June 2017

They will not win...


I knew at some point this was going to be my place, my solitude, but I just hadn't felt ready. Time ticks on, as much as I hate it sometimes, it does, its unavoidable. Now in the wake of everything that has been happening in Manchester, London, and just my life I feel the NEED to talk, to vent.

A little over two months ago, the thing I had been dreading, the thing I always knew was possible but feared happened, my little man took his last breath. A labored, exhausted, beaten breath. In future posts I am going to go into detail with what happened in the run up and at the time but they are long stories which I will need to split up. For now I just want to talk about how awful the world is.

2016 and 2017 have just seemed like the worst years of not just my life but of most people's lives. So many people have been hurt both physically and emotionally, have died through natural causes or even murder, and the political state of the world is just horrendous. (I'm not going to start a huge political debate here I just know there needs to be a change). Losing my son has put my whole life in perspective, I know what is important for me and what truly matters and that is family. The family I already have, and the family I hope to have in the future. Work, more money, travelling all pails into insignificance. Yes they are great but I can cope without if I have a happy, safe family. Which is why recent events have hit me hard.

The last two years I have watched my son suffer, trapped, consumed by his pain and unable to fully express that to get the relief he needed. Little tears would roll down his face but with no noise accompanying them, I'd hold him and try my damned hardest to fix anything it could be. It became a troubleshoot process, I'd try everything in case I hadn't understood him correctly and it was something else bugging him. I didn't voice it very often because I liked to make people think we were OK, we were coping but there were times I'd just hold him and cry and whisper to him "If this life is too hard, do not suffer for me, you can go!" He never did though, he trooped on as always and I was happy to continue doing whatever he needed but part of me always thought 'This is not the life I want for him, I don't want this pain and suffering, I want him to be free.' Equally, with everything going on in the world I sometimes felt relieved he was unaware of the world around him. He didn't have to know the fear we feel for imminent attacks, the devastation of losing someone, the pain when plans do not go as they should, and even the small things that can have a big impact like rejection.
I would however give anything for him to have had that life, to have been healthy and to have not had that HIE event.

The reason why I feel the need to blog at this time though is to just express and unload all the empathy I am consumed by at the moment. I am a trooper, I don't let things get me down, I look for the positives in all situations even in horrendous ones like my sons passing; as I have stated I was able to feel relief for him, he is free now to be and do whatever he wants. My nephew lovingly said "He can have a McDonald's now!" (priorities and all that). But recent events just shock me, its made me feel things I don't like, its also brought my grief to the forefront and I can feel myself beginning to struggle. I'm on a slippery slope and I need to make a change. What has happened in Manchester, my home town has hit me, how can someone go out and take those lives, children's lives and feel that what they are doing is right. I am a teacher, the kids I work with are 8 and 9, the age of some of the children that died and honestly I am just so scared for them, for the future, what will happen next. Even though I have been through the loss of a child, I cannot begin to fathom how the parents of those children feel, they went off to have what they thought would be one of the best nights of their lives, they would not have expected that at all. It must tear them apart, I am broken but I had time to prepare, I knew what was coming for my son, they had no idea and on the most unexpected of nights. How someone would begin to pick up those pieces of their lives and carry on I do not know. I am also getting pretty sick of people saying things like "We will not let them win!" because if this is them losing I do not want to see what winning looks like. I have to hope and pray that soon this will be over, another attack last night for me signals we are getting no where and this is going to become the new norm. One child said to me he cannot sleep anymore, and when he finally does he wakes up screaming because he's so scared that he will be caught up in the next attack. That has stuck with me and I hate the thought of a child feeling that way! Again, how is this them not winning? Isn't that exactly what they want? Us all fearing into submission? But it is impossible to not be scared and I think those who say they are not are lying to themselves.

I honestly don't know what can be done to make a difference and to make a change but something has to give and I need to find a way to express my pain and worry in a positive way, otherwise I am not being myself. If I let this carry on constantly occupying my mind, I will lose myself.

For now everyone, hug your loved ones tightly and remember to tell them you love them!
and as always, no matter how hard it gets;
Keep Trooping

x